Sachi's Journal

[Sachi]

Sachi: A Tale of Disobedience

Sachi Age 7

As a child, i was so very happy. My Mommy was a beautiful women who always had to time to play with me, she would take my the park and outside to our family beautiful garden. My Daddy worked for the Han but he still always had time to come and play with me, i would go as far as to say i was a very spoiled young girl growing up. I was the very center of my parents lives and i loved them both very much. I remember we would spend almost all of every day together and i craved their attention all the more because of it. I went out of my way to study knowing that every time i got a good grade Daddy would praise for me for. I went out of my way to keep our house clean because i knew Mommy would praise me for it. I wish things could have stayed that way forever but nothing ever stays the same.

One day my Daddy got an offer he could not refuse, he was offered the prestigious position as Governor of Lu Kuo. At first i was very excited when he told me this, he said he could use the position to help people and that we would have money then to buy nice things. I had no idea the amount of work it would mean for him and mom. After that day i saw them less and less. Daddy stayed at his office all day and Mom was busy helping him with 'official matters'. They even had to hire a maid to clean the house and to look after me when they didn't have to time. Those home cooked meals of mums that i loved vanished and whenever i saw my parents they were too tired to play with me.

It wasn't long before i started to wonder..."Do they hate me?" they stopped paying any attention to me what so ever and i could not help but think it was because they no longer cared. I had no friends at school and no parents at home, my life was becoming miserable even though i had enough money to buy anything i wanted. It could not buy me my parents back and that was the only thing i really wanted.

Sachi Age 9

I finally decided to go back to the park just on the outskirts of town. It was the place my parents used to take me when they still cared about me. Their i finally meet a friend, a boy who was sitting down all by himself. His name was Yuuji. We played together all day and then all the next as well. I soon learned that he was here 'alone' for the same reasons as me. His parents hated him as well and it made him very sad, so he wanted to be alone at first. He told me his dad had called him worthless but i yelled at him "That's not true." because to me he is my only friend. I hope we will play together every day from now on. Finally i have found someone who cares and will pay attention to me again, finally i have found some happiness. 

[Sachi]

Journal entry September 23rd (Sachi's 10th birthday)

Yesterday everything went wrong. I went to the park to play with Yuuji but he told me it would be the last time he would ever be able to play with me again. He would not tell me why but he had to stop coming to the park, he had to leave Lu Kuo forever. I could not accept that he was my only friend and so selfishly i yelled at him "Noo, i will wait for you here tomorrow all day. I will wait until you come to play with me." It was going to be my 10th birthday and i could not accept losing him. I was a bad selfish girl that day and i was going to be punished for it.

Then on the morning of my birthday, everything changed. I came down stairs to find my parents waiting for me with warm arms and happy smiles all of a sudden. My mother said to me 'We will do anything you want to do today Sachi' like they had finally decided to pay attention to me again after all these years. I should have been happy here they were ready to accept me as their daughter again but...instead something inside of my snapped. Instead of being happy, i was furious. I remembered all the times they didn't have time for me, the neglect and having to be taken care of by the maids and i snapped. "Why are you acting like you care...just leave me alone." The foolish words of a young girl, i know that now but at the time i was so angry. I ran out of the house and over towards the park, where i threw myself down onto the grass to wait for Yuuji. Who of course would never come to play with me again. I stayed their for hours and hours, until it got dark and cold. Realizing my friend was not coming and wracked by guilt of what i had said to my mom and dad, i cried. So many tears shed over my own stupidity but in the end my parents came to find me. As the sun set i heard my parents calling for me, they came running into the park and i shouted for them letting them know where i was. Then as they crossed the grass to come get me...my world changed forever.

A group of bandits who had been lurking outside Lu Kuo raced across the field, spotting my parents with their obvious wealth and no guards in sight. They rushed over on horse back knowing my parents to the ground. They never tried to resist but the bandits didn't care dead men had nothing to hide. They stole every coin and for good measure stuck their blades in deep, before riding off. Leaving me just a 10 year old girl alone, i was of no interest to them. By the time i reach their side, my father was already dead but mum was still alive, she looked up at me and said one word i will never be able to forget "Why!" it was all she said before she closed her eyes for the last time. I looked at my parents the center of my life lying dead at my feet and screamed until i passed out.

[Sachi]

Journal Entry (three weeks later)

I didn't wake up for three days after the incident and by then i was back at home, surrounded by doctors working for my family. I didn't have the strength to say anything or even get up, when i tried i would throw up almost immediately and have to be put back to bed. Yet my dreams were even worse. My mother had never gotten to finish the sentence she had started at the end but im my dreams...she completed it for me.

In my dreams my mother told me "Sachi why weren't you a good girl? If you had been good we would still be alive?" In these dreams i would relive the moment of their deaths over and over again and again. Yet they were not just dreams the doctors called it 'recurrent memory' where i would re live the moment of my trauma over and over. In these dreams i would feel physical pain and discomfort, i suffered terrible every night. And yet even worse i knew in my heart what my mother had said was the truth, i had been a very bad selfish girl and accordingly i had been punished. Everyone i loved my parents and Yuuji had left me on the same day. This was just what happened to bad girls. They lost everything. In that time the girl i had been was dying being crushed by overwhelming guilt that she was simply unable to handle. In those dreams i felt my mind snap and tear.

The doctors diagnosed me with a serious case of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) they told my uncle and aunt who had come to take over the rule of Lu Kou that i would probably never recover. The most i was allowed were a few walks outside and it was during one of those walks i finally found my new way to live.

As i walked around a young girl her eyes downcast i saw a small boy and his mother walking along. The girl was crying and begging her mom to buy her a treat, a bad child just as i had been. I still remember what her mother said to this day "Just be a good girl i will." and it was then i realized how simple the solution to my problem was. I just had to be a good girl forever and then maybe my parents would forgive me, maybe their ghosts would stop haunting my dreams.

And so from that day on i swore to be a good girl. I did everything i was told no matter who asked me or what they told me to do, i stopped lying and made sure to always tell the truth no matter what. This became my code, my way of living and finally my dreams receded. I was able to function as a person again. At first my aunt and uncle were happy they sent me to school again. But soon it became all to apparent that i had not really healed.

At school my class mates soon realized i would do anything they asked, they treated me like a slave ordering me to do all their work, some of the boys even demanded i kiss them. But i didn't care i had to be a good girl that was all that mattered. Then one of them ordered me to 'get rid' of the test that was to happen the next day. Seeing only one way to achieve that i burned the building down...mission achieved. It was then they called for the doctors again. This time they added a diagnosis of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) to their previous diagnosis. According to them it would be impossible for me to ever live a normal life again.

My aunt and uncle not sure what to do with me sent me to Jian Ye to serve with Lady Ren, In the end i think it was just too painful for them to look at me anymore with those sympathetic eyes knowing they could not help me.